| Agoraphobia and anxiety- A long, tedious journey with some pratfalls thrown in! |
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| Why IS carbon bad? |
[Dec. 5th, 2009|04:09 am] |
I truly only really thought about this today, whilst I should have been sleeping.
You can hardly pass a day without you carbon footprint being mentioned, being told off about emissions or told to use energy saving light bulbs.
But why is carbon bad?
I used the great resource that is Google to tell me the answer. It told me little.
We can all agree on one thing, CFCs are bad. And you know what? We know why. CFCs are blamed for helping to create a hole in the ozone layer. This hole causes more radiation from the sun to leak through and heats the Earth, and thus the melting of the ice caps. At least something like that. But we at least all have some idea why they are bad, even if some of the facts maybe a little erroneous.
However, you think carbon and you SHOULD automatically think good. Carbon is the second largest constituent of the human body, after water. I think it may be the the most abundant element on the planet (pretty close anyway). We expel it when we breathe, the trees take it in when they breathe. It is essential in soil to make plants grow, and essential in the air for photosynthesis. It is so versatile that it allows us to have graphite and diamonds, and exists in fossils to allow us to carbon date.
So why the fuck exactly is it bad?
So you can't create more of an element, right? It just exists. It can't be multiplied, subtracted or in any way gotten rid of. But you can combine it with other elements to create a third element, thus carbon dioxide. Now that is rarely mentioned. I have never heard of a carbon dioxide footprint.
Part of the above was my research. The parts which are wrong I shall blame on Google :P
I looked and I found many differing reasons for why carbon dioxide is bad. It creates a layer below the stratosphere which does not allow heat to escape. It is causing the melting of the ice caps. It is causing global warming. Not one solid reason for why it is a bad thing. Not a single definitive answer.
I think most would be happy enough to accept global warming as a reason....except we are all well aware that global warming is also not a proven thing. There is no scientific evidence which can prove that climate change is due to anything we as humans have done. It may be, but the general consensus currently seems to be that climate change is due to a natural shift in the Earth's climate, caused my nothing else but the cycle of the climate. We had ice ages, we had heat waves, we've had it all before.
After much serious consideration, the length of this post proves I have really pondered, I have decided that everything the government tell us is weak. It needs to be backed up by some kind of reasoning. You want us to cut down? Tell us why.
Additionally I agree that we should be cutting down on how much carbon dioxide we produce, but for very different reasons. Most CO2 is produced because of the use of fossil fuels. They stock is dwindling fast, and it leads to wars. And I think we can all also agree that the farty ass smell of car and factory emissions is not exactly pleasant.
'scuse typos or lack of sentence flow in there. I really should be asleep. I'm just stressed because I have so much work to do lol. |
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| I just dunno reet |
[Dec. 3rd, 2009|04:04 am] |
I want to post something. I want to find the ability somewhere inside me to reply to the millions of posts I have read recently, including comments to my own posts, I just don't know what to say.
I go to write something and then inevitably end up deleting it.
Trivial things I am fine with. I'm happy enough to tell someone they are a prick after they have done something silly and to cackle along with them. I just can't seem to get past the part where you think something, you type the words and they appear on screen. God knows I will not bee actually speaking them to anyone any time soon.
I think my brain is dying from lack of intelligent conversation. |
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| Writer's Block: Smoke screen |
[Dec. 1st, 2009|02:16 pm] |
I smoke. I want to quit and will when I'm ready.
Funny thing is I am considerate when I smoke, I don't do it around people who don't smoke and throw the cigarette ends in the bin. But after reading some of the foul comments from non-smokers on here I wonder why I bother. I think some would be happier if I blew smoke in their face just so they had something extra to complain about.
Sure, some smokers are not considerate, I remember as I child getting burnt by some bitch who just didn't care. But I don't appreciate being tarred (yes I know) with the same brush thanks. |
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| Please please can somebody explain what Thanksgiving is like? |
[Nov. 27th, 2009|05:56 am] |
I am really kinda hoping this is one post I get a reply to :P
I've explained as best as I can what Bonfire night is like. If you missed that I am happy to explain again. As much as I have learnt about Thanksgiving I cannot truly understand what that day is like for a real person.
It seems important for families. Possibly more important than Christmas. You know I love American culture, so tell me about it :) Your day, the history, what you ate, anything really. |
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| Been a week |
[Nov. 27th, 2009|04:33 am] |
It really has been a week since I last updated. That's odd. I normally have something to say about something, I suppose it just goes to show where I am right now.
I spent the week finishing off my assignment. It was ridiculously hard, I am not happy with what I handed in, and that was after a week's extension. I really do not think I have the capability to grasp the concepts of any programming language. Admittedly the whole course is badly written (glad I didn't pay 450 quid for it!) and I have no tutor or other student support, but still, I have to keep going back and reading the basic principles of it. I just think it's one thing I am not ever going to be able to accomplish no matter how hard I try. There has been things in the past I have struggled with but eventually it sank in. This, I just don't think it's meant to be.
Maybe it's good to know there is something which is beyond your grasp. I've never been in this situation before when I know that no matter how hard I try it is never going to make sense.
In other news I had a strange revelation earlier. This should probably be a separate post as it is possibly quite important! I was taking my morning (well afternoon as I spent all last night working and so didn't sleep until 7) medication of valium aka diazepam and it struck me that I couldn't remember the last time I had actually been afraid.
I have been depressed for a long time but the old symptoms of anxiety have not raised their head in many many months.
I don't know what to make of this. My initial thought was I should stop taking the valium. I am on the lowest dose ever and it is likely not making any difference to me. I also keep forgetting it!
My other thought was of extreme guilt. If I'm not suffering extreme anxiety any more then why am I on incapacity benefit and not working? Now that comes from reading a lot of statements lately from US citizens who insist that claiming off the state is a horrifically bad thing, no matter what who you are and what your issue. I swear these people not only invoke Godwin's Law no matter what argument they are in but in doing so seem to defeat their own opinion by appearing to want to live in the Third Reich themselves.
I think the fact of the matter is I want to move on with my life. I am 30 next year and that is weighing quite heavy. But the undeniable truth is I AM still depressed, I AM bloody scared, and I really do not know how to move on.
My twenties were not good. I lived most of them curled up in a ball and frightened of everything. But I became stronger and more understanding for it. My thirties, I think I want the life I have missed out on because of my illness. I just don't think it will happen. |
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| Friends |
[Nov. 18th, 2009|11:59 pm] |
I know I'm not the only one who feels like this, I've spoken to a few people lately who feel the same and just as sad. I feel like many of my online friends are drifting away again.
I know it's largely my own fault, it's not as if I have been a social butterfly lately, and I also know people have a lot going on in their lives. Doesn't mean I am any less sad about it though.
My journal and a few others are examples of this. For me I either don't write anything for ages, or when I do nobody comments. As I am not commenting often to other people I'm not complaining :P But it's the same with others. Not writing much and when they do comments come from people outside my circle.
Maybe it's past trying to reconnect with people who are casual friends, maybe it's time to find some more. Course I could do both but it's become hard to reach people. Blah.
All I know is I may not have been the best and most visible of friends lately, but my online friends, because I lack real life ones, are very important. I need to be able to give them a prod and just have a gossip now and then. I have my close circle and I love them and they're always there. But I need a little bit of just... I dunno, pub talk?
I don't think I really made sense there but I give up trying to :P |
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| Writer's Block: Raincheck! |
[Nov. 17th, 2009|12:49 am] |
Cheating and lying are all relative.
What if both parties were guilty of one or the other? What if the cheating involved shagging a best friend or a relative? The list goes on.
Unless they were bickering constantly in front of my face I see no reason why I would be uncomfortable though. People make their own choices. Nobody tells me what to do and how to act, why the fuck would I feel I have the right? |
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| Just asked for an extension |
[Nov. 16th, 2009|11:32 pm] |
I think the line "my dad had a cancer op, my cat died and I've had an eye infection which has meant I haven't been able to read for two weeks" should seal it lol.
Shame I couldn't squeeze the part about me not being able to get out of the bathroom for more than five minutes into there.
Hey, I was jovial about it. You kinda have to be when you list the events of the worst few months of your life in an email, otherwise people start to be sympathetic.
Fuck it, back to trying to read my work. I need some of those fake tears things I think. |
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| So tired |
[Nov. 15th, 2009|04:36 am] |
OMG! How did I ever cope with work and college five days a week? Moreover how did I ever cope with nurse training which meant working 12 hours a day 7 days a week?
I am...well not really any calmer, but I understand a little more about my coursework now. Mostly I understand that the wankers who wrote it were trying to torture me. It's not very well written. It seems to skip from simple concepts to outrageously difficult concepts without explaining why they did that or really what they are talking about. And then missing out vital parts assuming I KNOW they will explain them later.
It's not me being thick. It's them being evil gits.
But I'm tired so bed it is. I just needed a good proper rant to get it out my head before I tried to sleep. |
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| I am freaking out! |
[Nov. 14th, 2009|05:09 am] |
Oh God oh God. I have an assignment due Thursday and after reading a large amount of the work I understand nothing!
I've been an utter dick leaving it later than I should have but I've been a little stressed anyway.
Why the fuck I chose to do two programming course when I KNOW I struggle with the concept of it, well I'll never know.
I don't want to drop out again and I am hating myself for not understanding what they are trying to tell me. Everybody else seems to get it, the fact that I don't, I feel so bloody stupid. I've read every sentence four times and it just reminds me of being 7 years old and being the only one in the class who couldn't tell the time...but then it reminds me of being 10 years old and finally being able to understand what fractions were because my friend explained the little line just indicated division.
I hate not understanding things more than anything on the planet. I always work things out for myself in the end but this time I don't think I'm going to be able to.
Oh God, it's 5am and I have been trying to do this all day. I think I may need some sleep before I break something. |
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| It may be obvious to some :( |
[Nov. 12th, 2009|04:09 am] |
But it has certainly not been obvious to me.
God I hate partial topic titles. The ones where you have to read on to find out what the person is talking about. I am so bad for doing that though.
I told a friend yesterday I am really very severely depressed. She told me she guessed as much due to my recent behaviour. I swear I didn't even know. I thought I was just bumbling along, keeping my head down and just accepting that each day wasn't exactly bright and shiny.
I know I've been really ill lately but I just accepted that as something that was happening. The fact I can't eat anything without having major stomach issues, that my eyes are so painful I can't actually open them without streaming tears, all that *shrugs* I just thought it was something I had to cope with and that shutting myself away in one room would make it go away eventually.
I think the fact that I have now lost 9 pounds in two weeks when I have been unable to shift any weight for over a year should have been something which made me take notice. It didn't. I just thought that I will get better and gain it again.
It's undeniably been a shit year, but every year for the past 6 or 7 years has been shit. I learned to cope, complained plenty but then just dragged my butt along and just got on with it (believe me I feel so SO bad about seemingly complaining all the time, but to expel my feelings meant I could then go for a walk, or face my grandparents, or whatever else I needed to do.)
I have done well. I can look back just a few years and see how excited I was to be out with Matt (the ex) and just doing boring stuff like going to a fast food restaurant. I won't deny for a second that I bloody well worked hard and achieved most of my recovery on my own. I should be proud of me (course I'm not, but that's because I'm English :P).
Now though, I'm confused. I'm going through the first proper bereavement of my life, even if it is just a cat, and I was not prepared for how shit it would make me feel. The problem with bereavement is it does get better (it really does!) but it reminds you of how much more you have to lose. And it makes you think how much you are wasting your own life.
All that shash seems to have blasted my immune system when I really DID think I was doing fine. And it's just easier to not talk to anybody rather than to put on a happy face and pretend everything is good.
I have no idea what I just wrote. Fuck it if I repeated myself or made typos. I'm going to bed. Phillip Pullman will make everything better. |
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| *twitches* Pressure selling |
[Nov. 10th, 2009|03:43 am] |
So I am sat here watching Watchdog as my belly is back to complaining (I was silly and ate onion rings).
As usual almost top of the consumer complaints list is pressure selling. ie some ugly salesman sitting in your house for 7 hours trying to make you buy double glazing.
The reason I am twitching is I don't understand why people can't take responsibility for themselves. Sure, some of them are old and not quite with it, AND it is the salesman who is pushing and pushing for hours on end who needs to be kicked in the arse, but why do people who are perfectly intelligent allow these people to sit around in their own home when the thing they want most in the world is for them to leave?
The only advice I would ever bother to give anybody is a) Don't let people enter your house unless you have specifically gone out and asked them to do so and b) Ask them to leave. If they don't call the police! If you ask somebody to leave your property and they don't it's trespass. Why do consumer programmes never say that?!
Oh yeah, I know why they never say it, it's because we're all silly little things and it's the fault of the big scary companies. God forbid we take any responsibility for our actions and stand up for ourselves.
Course I'm swayed as at 9 years old I told salesmen to get out of our house when my parents were too polite to do so lol. This also applies to Charity muggers. They can piss right off too. You give out your bank details in the street to somebody you have never met...well it's hell of a lot ruder to approach people on the street and ask for money (no matter what it's for) than to say "no thanks" and walk away. |
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| I love you all |
[Nov. 7th, 2009|02:20 am] |
I know I say it more than some, but I also know I don't say it enough. Or I don't say it so it sounds genuine!
I love all my friends so much and I without you guys I would not be sitting here right now. I don't know where I'd be but it would not be in the personal space I am at the moment.
Randomly this cute Scottish bloke asked me out in the street today. It wasn't a piss-take and he did actually ask for a date. He even tried to give me his number when I said no "because I am insane".
After I'd walked away and cackled gleefully I thought of my friends. I know most of them would have prodded me and said go for it! And besides that, would have been happy that I got a much needed confidence boost.
I love that even though I have few friends who I can physically touch and hug, I do have friends that I can trust with my innermost thoughts and who are always there when I need a lift, or a laugh or for advice.
I love you guys and you have saved my life a million times over, even if you never knew it. |
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| Writer's Block: Time traveler |
[Nov. 2nd, 2009|04:47 am] |
I actually really like this question.
I'd probably go back to the 40s so I could experience what it was like to be in wartime Britain.
Yeah, I could have said the 60s but that would be too easy, right? :P
Why go back in time unless you can really experience what it was like to be human at that period in history? And how much more real can you get than during a time when you were constantly at risk?
I've heard over and over how great and strong the human spirit was during that time. Currently all sense of community has faded away and we feel uncomfortable when people say good morning to us in the street. You'd think with so many people suffering through poverty at the moment we'd pull together.
So, yeah, that's where I'd go. And I'd take nobody with me because...well that would be a bit awful to take someone I loved to a war-torn country. |
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| Gah blah |
[Nov. 2nd, 2009|04:06 am] |
My ear is doing this annoying thing. It keeps randomly making a very loud noise which is very off-putting!
Oh yeah, as I'm on the subject, recent silence from me is due to being a tad bit poorly. I have chronic stomach issues. They started just as I was cooking a very advanced meal for myself, something I haven;t done in years *headdesks*
But yeah, I have been pretty damn ill. 4 hours in my bathroom = not fun.
However, I may have mentioned this before, being physically ill actually makes me feel mentally better.
I intend to ignore the issue from now on and just get on with life. I can smile through it :)
I have a suspicion it is Crohn's disease finally reaching the OMG stop hurting me level. We'll see. Boring food for a few weeks at least though ad fingers crossed it is just hideous IBS. |
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| Comparison. The route towards inadequacy. |
[Oct. 31st, 2009|06:19 am] |
So lately I have been thinking I need to find me a fella.
I am a little scared, I am 30 in May and my life far from being amazing has fallen apart around me.
I don't think finding a bloke will fix everything, in fact it may well make it worse, but I hate that...well I hate yesterday I heard an advert for a programme which stated "what if I'm 30, single, and still living in a one-bedroomed flat?". God, I'm nearly 30 and I am not even close to living THAT dream.
Comparison to other people kills me. My last boyfriend was longer ago than I care to remember, but I want one.
I know I should stop caring, but I can't. I know I have come a long way, and fallen a long way since then. But what if things don't get better? What if I am stuck forever in this room hoping for some human company? What if the world keeps on turning and it forgets all about little old me? What if I reach 40 and I am still sat here comparing myself to others and trying to find the people who suck more than me?
I am desperately frightened of death and that makes me even more aware of those hours/minutes/seconds I am wasting. I do not want to waste this life, but I don't know how to change it. |
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| Ridiculously pretty men |
[Oct. 24th, 2009|04:55 am] |
Can't sleep, watching Wife Swap USA (now that's low :P) and my mind wandered to ridiculously pretty men.
Now please others must contribute, it's vitally important, the world will end if you don't. Really, it will.
I'll kick it off with Cillian Murphy.
Oddly enough he does not take a good still photo. Whilst acting he's so beautiful.
And just for the stomach, Jake gyllenhaal
The truly important thing is that just because they are beautiful it doesn't mean you actually want to fuck them. It's like artwork, it takes your breath away but you don't necessarily won't to go poke your finger into the paint :P |
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| Things are supposed to get better |
[Oct. 23rd, 2009|04:44 am] |
After the initial upset of Rarr dying I started to feel a little better. I wasn't crying every single time I took a breath, and the awful dreams about her coming back to life but as an empty soulless shell which made me want to dream kill her...ummm, yeah they became less frequent.
Now though, however many weeks on it is, I actually in some ways feel worse.
I'm started crying again pretty much every night, and I miss her in a different way. I'm not expecting to see her around every corner anymore (although I do still see shadows out the corner of my eye which I think are her) but I really bloody miss having her around. My life just feels a little bit emptier without her around. Make that a lot emptier.
I don't know why I am being so hard on myself about it. I mean when my dad came home after his op, and was all tanked up on painkillers and codeine, he actually hallucinated and saw her curled up in her usual spot. He even called my mum over to come and see.
When/if I'm 80 I will still miss her. I just won't think about her every day. And that's how things get better. They don't really get any better, it's just the spaces between feeling horrendously depressed will get longer.
I just wish I knew why those spaces have shrunk again. |
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| Swearing is the sign of a limited vocabulary |
[Oct. 16th, 2009|12:04 am] |
That statement pisses me off. What it implies is people who swear are stupid.
It may be true that idiots do tend to swear a lot, especially whilst having a screaming argument with their partner, in front of their young children, but swearing should not be reserved for the morons.
It's simple enough, by cutting all swearing out of your vocabulary you ARE actively limiting it.
Swearing is wonderful and necessary. It can be used to make people laugh, express emotional feelings which cannot be expressed any other way, to exclaim during an injury, or simply because it's fun and feels right.
So fuck you. I'll keep swearing until the day I die. And on the way I will find more exciting and interesting ways of doing so :D Cumwad. |
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| Strange day |
[Oct. 12th, 2009|05:57 am] |
But then every day is strange lately.
I have been sleeping so randomly I don't know what is up and what's down. Asleep at 9pm and awake at 3am for example.
I woke up feeing sick as anything. I have IBS but with the rare symptom of feeling nauseas. It's annoying. I describe it as earache for the tummy. An underlying annoyance which really wants to ruin your day. Course I have had earache which has made me run out of a mock exam, cry and then my ear bled...but yeah, I'm described more of a normal earache when I compare.
I spoke to a few people online and then I tried to get some work done. I failed, clearly. But it's strange to me because I am relearning skills and experiences all over again.
I grew up young and did pretty much everything. Then I hit 22 and shit went bad. Sometimes it makes me happy when I revisit a place I haven't been since I got ill. Sometimes it makes me sad that I have lost so much time. I just felt strange today doing it, maybe because I couldn't go tell Rarr cat about it afterwards.
The other thing I learnt was that you really do need to love and trust your friends. My internet friends mean the world to me as I can get out rarely. But just because I can't get out doesn't I should take on anyone and everyone. I need to learn to be more choosy so I don't keep getting hurt.
Don't worry though, if you're going to reply to this or are thinking of replying to this I am not miffed at you :*
And I do still feel sick. Stupid belly. |
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